It’s not always been easy.
Some days are a struggle.
But you only ever see.
What’s above the surface.
It’s quite interesting for me seeing and watching how people behave. How they react to certain stimuli, certain circumstances. How they bounce back from setbacks and how they set their stall. The funny thing about it all is that we only get to see a certain level of a person; we only get to see which face they decide to show us on any given day, at any given time. I know what I’m talking about.
The truth is, you don’t know me.
As much as you think you do, you really don’t. Another truth is that I really don’t know you either. I know the face you decide to show me. I know the person you choose to be around me. On my part, only one person knows the real me and it isn’t me, it’s Karli. Everyday I wake up, I I feel this pressure. This crippling pressure and I have no idea where it is coming from.
The truth is, everyday is a struggle for me.
I spend most of my time second guessing myself. The rest of the time, I spend pretending.
Pretending to be happy.
Pretending to be interesting.
Pretending to be the life of the party.
The problem is that I’m not really at the party. I wake up and my first thoughts are negative; I ask myself questions I wouldn’t ask another sane human. It is with a monumental effort that I push that aside. It is with a force of will from somewhere deep inside that I can walk outside every day. If you let me, I would lay in bed all day, tv off just thinking to myself; just thinking about things that don’t even matter.
The truth is, well, there it is. I don’t know what the truth is.
What I do know is that there are a few things that make me happy; truly, genuinely happy. My camera makes me happy because it gives me control. This blog makes me happy because it has given me a place to pour out my thoughts and feelings without the fear of backlash or judgement or ridicule. This is my therapist.
I was on a night out once and I was talking to a friend of mine; a good guy and I burst into tears. I can’t even remember why. I told him how I feel most of the time, how there is so much more under the surface and he said to me, “you’re Timi man! You’re Timi!” And I thought to myself ‘I am Timi’
The truth is, I’m in a good place.
I’m in a good place because I have someone who knows me.
I am Timi