She's 8 months!!! Well actually she's 35 weeks, which is just under 9 months! No one ever tells you until you're in the position that this whole pregnancy malarkey is actually 10 months. Where did the extra month come from?
It's really odd being almost there; I mean, we've known since Karli was three weeks pregnant! Now this little human is almost about ready to come say hi to us. Am I excited? Without a doubt! I'm a big kid and I love playing stupid games at home; I think Karli has tired of my all singing, all dancing antics at home. I can't wait to meet my little mate for some games of hide and seek, peek a boo and dancing queen (or King).
While I know it will be difficult, I'm relishing the challenge and responsibility that comes along with being a parent and this is where some of my problems lie. Over the past few months, amidst the stress of work and finishing my last year of college and the euphoria of seeing my baby grow (Karli's bump is growing everyday), I've gone through genuine moments of hyperventilating panic.
While doing things like buying a cot, throwing out half of the stuff I own to make space for THE BABY or even just buttering toast, I get these moments of panic where i freeze up and I feel like an astral body leaves mine and I can see myself just there, thinking about nothing, blank yet filled with a white panic that dissipates as quickly as it arrived. These moments scare me, but I put that down to the natural process of being a first time dad...
Being a first time dad however leaves me with many conflicting feelings or emotions; I am so heavily invested in certain parts of the pregnancy that the parts I can't be a part of, I feel like I'm cheating on. I lay in bed last night unable to sleep, listing off ways in which I am utterly and completely helpless and I got a few moments of panic as I realised that if I feel worried sometimes, how must Karli feel?
I can't help Karli carry the baby for another 5 weeks (no matter how much I wish I could)
I can't help Karli with her migraines (no matter how much I wish I could)
I can't help Karli with her energy levels (no matter how much I wish I could)
I can't help Karli with the labor (no matter how much I wish I could)
What a woman Karli is; I am incredibly proud of her and to be her partner. I have a new type of respect for Karli and every woman who goes through pregnancy. What amazing creatures; what amazing people. Within that is my dilemma, I feel so secondary to the whole operation sometimes while being so involved at other times. Someone made a remark a while ago, 'your work is done'... It was in all in good humour but it was very difficult to take.
Maybe my job is just on pause at the moment and anyway I make all the dinners and brew all the tea so I think maybe I'm a help in some ways sometimes. No matter how small.
I am Timi